Gard Doody
by Trikdom
Summary: The thrilling adventure of two city guards, and they're eternal quest to combat the forces of boredom! Hm, what's that? That's another story? Then what's this one about? Isn't that the same thing? Oh? That sounds even more dull. That's the point? Well, I suppose humor is rather subjective...


Walking down the road towards Whiterun, one would easily see the Large Front Gates standing tall and proud. Fast forward up the annoyingly long entrance path and one may wonder how in Oblivion the things are still in one piece, given how towers and ramparts are being held together with wood planks. Of course no one thinks about that kinda thing when dragons are busy not destroying towns. But I digress.

'Big doors cast long shadows', as the saying goes. Or did they mean that literally? Anyway, in the shade of these specific big doors stood two familiar figures clad in very telling attire. Whiterun Guard stood to the right of the gates, while Whiterun Guard stood just to the left. These two get stuck with door duty every day and have long since run out of things to discuss. But shifts are long, and silence is boring, so they will try once more. Let's take a look...

"Butterfly..." came the most monotone voice anyone never expected a Nord to use. Right raised his arm slightly, but became too bored before he could manage a decent attempt to point and let it drop again.

Left, almost hypnotized from having watched the same butterfly float around a clump of blue flowers nearby for the past two hours, barely bothered with a burly grunt, also in monotone. Truly the sheer amount of boredom here is a force to be reckoned with.

But what is this? A bipedal figure in a concealing robe strolling up to the gate it seems. Whatever could this mean?

"S'prolly that drag'n fuck'r e'ryone's talkin' 'bout..." helpfully slurred Right.

Left, who was successfully hypnotized by the butterfly (which _was_ doing some skillful victory fluttering by some orange flowers before the dragon fuc- mysterious hooded figure snatched it's wings off, stealing from the butterflies the secret to world domination), managed to snap out of his drooling daze to wonder what the hell was going on.

By the time you finished reading that, the mysterious hooded figure had stopped a few paces from the gate, waiting patiently for our slower readers. Perhaps that is why-

" _Ahem_ "

Right, storytime. Anyway, while the guards were staring at the mysterious hooded figure (although now that he's close he is clearly a boring Imperial and significantly less mysterious), he had read several books he was producing out of nowhere, finishing the five page tomes rather quickly before dropping them on the ground.

Also he appears to be getting rather irritated and is moving ahead of my narration which is-

"Uch. Been tending your hounds? You smell like a wet dog."

The hooded man stopped as he and Left each gave Right a look. He said nothing more, but stared at the hooded man, as if expecting a response.

He didn't get one.

So he tried again.

"I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee."

When Right finished recounting his story for the nine-thousand-and-first time he looked back to the hooded man, dearly hoping for him to take a hint and offer some conversation to the deathly bored guards.

But there was no hooded man, merely the clang of a large door closing.

And so guard duty resumed.

Silence reigned supreme.

Maybe another butterfly would pass by...

~The End~

So apparently I had made this about a month after Skyrim came out, and it's been sitting in my Gdocs ever since. I tweaked it a tad decided to put it up here, cuz why not. Hopefully it will give someone a chuckle, or at least a grin for a second. If you did neither but still made it this far: thank you for your time, and have a nice day.

Deleted Scene: arrested for raising false expectations and leading nowhere

Right and Left are in luck however, for today something will happen! It won't be a grand adventure, or bandit attack to bravely fight off. It won't even be a pickpocket to arrest. Now you're probably asking yourself 'how could it be interesting then?' You will see. But not now. Something will happen, but later. Now we will leave these two to stare at butterflies for a while longer. Come back in six hours.

Que elevator music.

Six hours later...

End elevator music.

Welcome back viewers! I hope you had a nice time waiting while I took a trip to the spa- I MEAN ARMORY- *ahem* y-yes, the armory. To buff out my nai- SWORDS. Big sword. Many swords.

Audience: …

Deleted Ending: arrested for overstaying it's welcome

~ merely the clang of a large door closing.

Silence reigned supreme.

Unless one listened very closely, then they might hear the sound of a butterfly grieving the loss of it's mate. Until that too was silenced by a passing bird.

Well, at least they can still listen to the wind, it's a rather breezy city after a- oh, the wind stopped.

I am rapidly running out of things to discuss, and that's bad business for a narrator. We get paid by the word you know!

I think I'll just take my check now and move on to the next gig. Good day.


End file.
